Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Catholicism will Man You Up.

Someone remarked that the males represented in the media are dancing, singing, wimpy role models where in the past men in the movies were cowboys and detectives. Of course, when I was growing up, cowboys were ok but I sort of liked this guy a lot more-

A hard-hitting detective who wore tights, underwear outside his pants, lived with a teenage boy, his aunt and an unmarried Englishman and carried shark repellent around, just in case. Role model.

I by no means have any presuppositions on me being a tough guy. I can't drive a stick shift car. I don't know how to shoot anything let alone how to skin it, fry it and eat it. I believe that hitting below the belt indeed is unsportsmanlike but if you can kick your opponent in the 'nads, then do it. Just make sure you get the job done in one. Especially if it's a guy.

My job entails dressing up in a gown, lighting candles and singing stuff. I have to care about decorations. Personally, I collect dolls (although technically they are action figures but if they have cloth outfits, then "doll"), like the music of Lionel Richie, not averse to having a salad for lunch and am comfortable admitting that my Netflix Streaming recommendations says, "Since you watched 'Say 'Yes' To The Dress, you may like....". Really, my niece watched that and it got stuck in my profile but I'll claim it. "Cake Boss" is recommended for me.

However, there are some things that I can claim that make me manly. Not just the perpetual stubble. Not the bald head. Not the LOVE of the strongest cigars in the universe. And not because I find girls way more pretty than guys. No, I am manly because the Catholic Church made me manly. I'm talking about the REAL church not this Gramma Dot's Casserole and Scripture church that THE DIOCESE OF THE NEW PARADIGUM is promoting but the Church founded by Christ on the blood of martyrs that births saints and buries empires.

Here's the MANNING UP the Church offers you. Ladies, you may avert your eyes. I recommend watching "Say 'Yes' To the Dress". I hear it's good.
Flayed St. Bart: "GIMME SOME SKIN!"

1.SACRIFICE: When I was a young and hairier man, I sort-of-dated-on-the-rebound-her-rebound a girl, a Methodist girl, who had a Catholic roommate in college. One day she said, "What's with you Catholics and SUFFERING? My roommate would talk about suffering like it's a good thing! That's just stupid." No, what's stupid is a faith without suffering. I told her about Calvary and the martyrs and she just shook her Wesleyan head and said, "I guess our church is more about being happy."
Happy? I never thought that had anything to do with religion. Go in a Catholic church and it's all BLOOD! WHIPS! CRUCIFIXIONS! MARTYRS WITH LIKE BLEEDING PARTS! SWORD-WIELDING SAINTS! SACRIFICIAL ALTARS! Old ladies whispering out loud about how their Methodist granddaughter is doing! Ok, the last one just makes me suffer.
How more manly than to remember that your very BLOOD and GUTS may be required of you? 

2. TRUTH:  Walker Percy, who spent a minute in Greenville so we claim him as our own, once said, and I paraphrase because I can't find the quote, something like "I like being a Catholic because we have the audacity to speak for God." 

Hellz yeah.

Walker Percy: Catholic, Southern and therefore, a drinker.
One of the most pleasantly annoying classmates I had in seminary would always challenge the more PROGRESSIVE seminarians with his piety and devotional life. If Sr. DeeDee from the Congregation of Jesus the Empowerer gave a talk on "HOW MEN ARE AWFUL AND SHOULD NOT BE IN THE CHURCH", he would be vocal enough to say, "Poor misguided sister. I'll pray for her." He'd then pull out a rosary and then get to work. A PROGRESSIVE OPEN-MINDED student would say, "What good is that supposed to do?" And he say, and I love this part, "IT WILL DO GOOD BECAUSE IT'S TRUE!"
Papal authority? IT'S TRUE!
Indelible mark on the soul upon baptism? IT'S TRUE!
Sacred hands of the priest? IT'S TRUE!
No need to prove it. No need to analyze it.
We have the audacity to speak for God.
Nothing more MANLY than saying, "THAT'S THE WAY IT IS. END OF DISCUSSION."

3. REGIMENTATION: Sit. Stand. Kneel. Genuflect. Bow. Strike. Follow the book. Do what it says. And do it with meaning. I like to genuflect hard. Like "WHUMP" when I genuflect. The whole wood floor echoes. That's right. You heard me. I GENUFLECTED! LOUD!

Iron Man is my genuflection idol!

All that said, try to be a girly man and a PRACTICING REAL CATHOLIC at the same time. You can't. It is impossible.

So instead of this kinda Batman?

Catholicism makes you THIS KINDA BATMAN!