Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Krampus on USCCB Agenda

Look at that up there! This is a heck of an entrance!

Bishop Nicholas of Myra, slapper of heretics, strolls into town surrounded by an army of Krampuses (Krampii?). That's right, suckas, turn away from your homoiousios believing ways or be prepared to get KRAMPED!

I appeal to the USCCB in their next meeting to see to it that each bishop get a Krampus. That will probably get things straight.

Can you imagine that meeting? I can.

Cardinal Dolan: "It has come to my attention that many of us have had difficulties in our dioceses. We have had priests who don't follow their promises or vows, there are nuns who are leading the faithful into heresy, we have awful religious education programs and poor management skills. I realize that one of the biggest problems is us. Yes, us. We are conflict-averse and can't tell people what's what. So, after doing some study and Wikipedia'ing, I learned that one bishop, Nicholas, had enough guts to slap a heretic.
(Gasps from the assembly)
We needz Krampus
In. The. Face. Yes, in the face. But what gave him the courage? The Gospel? The Faith? Maybe. But he also had a Krampus as his heavy. Arius wouldn't DARE hit him back or he'd get a face full of Krampus. So, we're giving you Krampuses. Krampii. Let us pray: O Father God, who created the stars, the moon, the earth, walruses, pinecones, atoms and cucumbers, we beseech you on this day that you made with your hands, maybe with your super hammer...."
(23.3 minutes later the prayer concludes)
Then some bishops would meet to discuss how the Krampuses would be introduced into the diocese. LTP decides to begin working on a 10 week series for parish study groups in "Welcoming the Krampus" and Steve Janco comes up with a song for parishes to sing after communion, "Krampus In, Gather Us In".
One bishop says that he can't abide the Krampus because it is neither male nor female and therefore unfit for service in the Church. Another says it is exactly because it is genderless that it is representative of the total body of the Church.
One bishop asks if he can get more than one Krampus from India or Africa since his diocese is large. Another bishop says that he wants to train LEK's (Lay Ecclesial Krampuses) in case the Krampus can't make it to every place in the diocese.

Of course, all things are settled when the Krampuses show up, bite people and devour their souls. That frees up bishops for slapping heretics. Although some bishops decide to dialogue with the heretics and offer sharing sessions on how heresy and orthodoxy agree. Then they agree to disagree and share a word service.

Then the Krampus eats them.