Friday, August 31, 2012

Your First Ole Miss Home Game: A Brief Primer

Hugh Freeze enters the arena: "May the odds be ever in your favor"
Another day has dawned on the Ole Miss Football legacy. We begin in earnestness the "FREEZE ERA". Eras, in the Ole Miss tradition, can last from 20 years to 20 minutes. Times ticking.

Today and tomorrow, the second biggest storm will hit Mississippi. Not as messy as Isaac but just as big and loud, we are going to get hit with REBEL NATION up here in Oxford. For the newbs, it's quiet a shocker.

Since we have the best parking lot in the private sector when it comes to Ole Miss events, I have a good view of things. So, here's a few helpful hints if this is your first, bear...ride.

1. Drinking is legal, illegal, ok, not ok, questionable. First, alcohol consumption is illegal for minors and those under 21 years of age. I won't even begin to challenge that here. But if you're older and just truly need to drink, be aware of the drinking zones on the campus. It's sort of complicated.
From the University's alcohol policy online:
The university will enforce all applicable state and local laws. State law prohibits consumption of liquor within athletics venues during athletics events. County law prohibits possession or consumption of light alcoholic beverages (beer and wine coolers, for example) on all parts of campus that lie outside the city limits of Oxford. University policy prohibits the possession or consumption of alcohol inside academic or administrative buildings unless served by properly licensed caterers.

You'll need a county map. And a lawyer.
Seriously, the red/green zone thing in Iraq is easier to figure than Ole Miss county lines.
2. On Game Days, flip flops are unacceptable...unless you're a guy in seersucker pants and a blazer.
Girls have to dress a bit better for this because it's like the Kentucky Derby of our state but without horses. And gambling. Haha...gambling on Ole Miss. I'll take the Rebels and 30.
Pearls. She is wearing pearls. To a football game. This. Is. Normal.
Guys can wear flip flops to give that devil-may-care vibe to an otherwise textbook J. Crew look.
If you dress in shorts or jeans, that means you aren't "in". Or you're old.
Also, shorts on gameday aren't presidential.
3. Go to the game. You should at least go to the first game. What? Why would I say something so stupid? Because people go to the Grove and listen to the game. But they have tickets and they are next to the stadium but they don't go in to the game. It may have something to do with #1.
Whoa whoa. Whoa Whoa...whoa. Aw, come on...we need people to do that techno song thing!
4. Don't litter. There are hundreds of blue or red trash cans all over the Grove. Please don't litter. And especially don't litter on our property. Nothing worse that doing the levabo during the Offertory because I have the schmutz from a dirty Wendy's bag and the stink of backwash from a Heineken bottle on my hands.
The Grove looks classier when the trash shows up.

5. Be the clam. Don't forget that even though you may be lost in the ambiance of the Ol' South and under the enchantment of the Ole Miss spirit, this is still the real world. People see you. They know you. Life will go on. Don't be stupid. Have fun. Cheer. Eat Abner's chicken off McCarty pottery. Hotty. Toddy. But remember that this isn't a dream nor are you hidden. You're in full view. Think of it like this. Say you're a clam. No one notices you. All shelled up and quiet. You think, "Hey, I'm safe" then you...well, just watch this:
AGHHH! SWEET BABY JESUS, MAKE IT STOP!!!! See that? That's like you in public. Keep in your shell. Don't show your slimy elongated salt-licking parts.